Blowup Christmas

Well neighbor, Buying Season is pert near halve over already.  ‘Course that would be the Christmas Season for most folks.   Yep, Christmas, exceptin’ in them “big-box stores” and TV commercials.  That’s where they like to call it the “holiday season.”  

Now I don’t mind much if you wanta celebrate your Hanukah or Kwanza or whatever.  That’s your business.  But ‘round these parts, we celebrate Christmas.  That’s cause we still remember the real reason for the season.  By the way neighbor, I ain’t never heard of nobody that actually celebrated a solstice.

Anyway, the season is here and if you ain’t done it yet, it’s time to star draggin’ out all that decorating stuff.  Gotta put up them house lights ‘fore the weather gets real ugly.  The inside stuff can wait a bit.  ‘Course if you’re really into that yard decorating thing, you got a bunch more to do than just put up them lights.  Nobody around here’s got the money for all that fancy stuff.  Just affordin’ the light bill is enough for most of my neighbors.

Now up in them big cities, folks get into that blowup stuff.  They got more blowup toys than Carters’ got pills.  And I ain’t just talkin’ Santa Claus and sleighs and reindeer, friend.  I even seen a blowup North Pole workshop!  And they got snow-globes big enough to block your front window.  Reckon you don’t need a Christmas tree if ya got one o’ them.  But it don’t stop there either.  They got your Mickey Mouse and Mini Mouse, squirrels and chipmunks, penguins, Goofy, Buzz the astronaut and some kinda Sponge Pants Square Bob, or whatever. 

Reckon there’s all sorts of stuff you can buy.  'Course I keep thinkin’ ‘bout that old saying, “A fool and his money are soon parted.”  Don’t think buying all that stuff is gonna help our economy any either, seein’ it all comes from China.  ‘Round here, folks just string some lights along the gutters and put their tree in the front window. Nobody’s about to be wastin’ money on them Chinese blowups.

Schucks, now I forgot.  What holiday was it I was yammerin’ about?  What was the reason for this here season?  Now days, I forget too easy.  But then, I am…

Justan O. Geezer

Young'uns Health Study

One of my neighbors told me about a postcard he got t'other day from "The National Children's Study."  The card told him he was goin' to be getting some more mail from them, 'cause they was coming to do "recruitment" in his community.  Well first off, he thought it was one of them scams 'cause he ain't never heard of them before.  So, being the kind of guy he is, he decided to do some checkin' up.  Turns out it's some kind of study about young'uns and their environment and genetics and stuff like that.  It's being done by the government.  The National Institute of Health.  Reckon that's a right good idea though, seeing as how we got all them epidemics of asthma and autism and dyslexia and stuff goin' on.


He found out that even though he'd never heard of this here study, it'd been around for 11 years!  Congress "authorized" it way back in 2000 and they been spendin' money on it ever since.  First, they spent 7 years and almost $50 million during a "study phase."  Friend, you can be darned glad it don't take a farmer 7 years to decide if he wants to plant corn up on the hill or over by the creek.


And that was just the beginnin', neighbor.  For the last 4 years, they been in a "implementation phase."  In case ya don't know, that's the part where they actually start doin' something.  'Course anytime they go and use a big word like that instead o' just sayin' they're finally gonna do it, it's time to grab your waders.  So far they spent over $552 million on doing this study.  And it ain't nowhere near done!


So anyway, my neighbor had a question.  He said, "If I just got this card now, and they've already been at it 11 years, when are they going to finish and how much more is it going to cost?"  Sorry neighbor, but that's a couple of dumb questions all rolled up in one.  Yessir, you know it's gonna cost a bunch more and it'll be obsolete when it's done to boot! 


You know me, friend.  I got my own questions.  Not just what's takin' so long?  Or how come it costs so danged much?  But, ain't there another way?  Wouldn't ya think it'd be a whole lot easier to just add some questions to the Census?  ('Course with all that studying, they missed the last census.)  Or maybe they could ask them insurance companies to do it?  Them insurance companies already got records on ever'body anyway.


I know.  I know.  Too simple.  But Hell, I'll be long gone 'fore they git done. That's the way I see it friend, but remember I am...
Justan O. Geezer

America is shrinkin'

You young'uns probably don’t know it, but things used to come in some purdy standard sizes. You know, like a bushel of corn, a pound of coffee, a half-gallon of ice cream or a gallon of paint. There was standard sizes to most everything. Made it down right easy to figure what you’re gettin’ for your money.

Oh sure, there was a few non-standard things like a "bunch" of radishes. But you know'd there would always be 10 to 12 dependin' on their size.  And a pickle from the barrel could be different sizes too.  But you could always pick the one you wanted.  Now days things just ain’t standard no more.

Last week I was told it was time to paint over that flowered wallpaper in the parlor.  It been there 'bout 20 years.  Kinda needed a goin’ over since the spring house-cleanin's had 'bout  washed most of the flowers off anyway.  The fella up at the Ben Franklin said a gallon oughta do me 'bout right.  Might even have some left over.  So that's what I bought.

He also said my trusty old bristle brush probably weren't the way to go either, what with these new fangled paints.  So, I bought one of them roller and tray things and a brand new nylon brush for trimmin'.  Gotta admit, it did go faster.  Things were goin' just fine 'til I started into that last wall.  Looked like I was going to be a bit short… and I was.

Now I knew the fella at the hardware wouldn’t goin' to lie to me, so I checked the writin' on the back of the can before I said something.  It said a gallon of that there paint would cover 'bout 400-450 sq.ft.  Now by my calculations, I needed somewhere's around 370 sq.ft.  So I’m thinkin' that old wallpaper must of really soaked up the paint!  But that’s when I noticed it, neighbor.  That can of genuine Glidden Ultra Hide 1210 weren't no gallon at all!  It shrunk!  That can was only 124oz.  Oh sure, it was close, but still not a genuine 128oz. USofA gallon!  And OK, so maybe I still woulda been short a bit, but it sure got me to thinkin'.  What else got shrunk?  

    
You can bet your bottom dollar I’ll be checkin’ things from now on.  Reckon I better quit 'fore I really get worked up.  OK, so maybe it is just me, 'cause I am...
Justan O. Geezer

Veteran's day

Yep, it's Veteran's Day.  No mail today.  Banks are closed.  All the government offices are closed.  Court House is closed.  And most veterans are working today.  Ironic ain't it.  Vets have to work on the day set aside for them.


Some of us gotta work anyway.  Some chores can't wait.  An' some vets went and started their own businesses, so no time off for them.  But what about the majority of veterans?  Seems a down right shame that those who sacrificed to help keep this country free are the ones that gotta work today.  Maybe it's just me, 'cause I am...
Justan O. Geezer

It's Over!

Yep neighbor, it’s finally over.  Folks has voted and we can get back to watchin’ commercials for cars, cosmetics and them prescription drugs ya can’t get without tellin’ your doctor ya want ‘em.


Now that the votes are counted, looks like there’s gonna be some movin’ in and out of offices up in the state capitol. At least the movers there will have a job for a while. We’re danged lucky down here. Heck, we’re so small, we didn’t even get “visits” from them politicians.  Reckon we like it like that.  Sheriff CJ Gunn says we couldn’t afford having them guys traipsin’ around the county anyway.  Says his budget don't include all that overtime and extra deputies and all.  CJ is a real practical guy just like his father, Peter was.


'Round here, we don’t need no partisan politickin’.  We know who we’re gonna vote for ‘cause we talk to ‘em all the time.  We know what they really stand for.  Like Clyde Hammond, the bank manager.  He got reelected to Council.  No surprise there.  Jeremy Schwartz, that lawyer from Springfield didn’t get enough votes to count.  Wouldn’t be at all surprised to see him move now that he lost.  I’m guessing the old Wyler place’ll be back on the market right soon.  Not sure where Schwartz is going to move to next, but I’m sure he’ll run again.  Seems like carpetbaggin’s in his blood.


Any way, reckon we’ll get a little break from all them political ads.  After all, buying season is up next.   That’ll keep ever’body busy for a while.  But you can bet your last hog them ads'll be startin’ up again right after the New Years’ Day football game.   Meantime, I’m gonna set back an' enjoy the (relative) quiet.  As always, I am…
Justan O. Geezer

Homophobia

So, ya didn’t think I knew that word, much less could spell it, did ya.  Well neighbor, I can… even though I reckon it’s one of the dumbest words this side of a rock.  It wheren’t even a word until some hippies back in the 60s made it up.  An’ they musta been smokin’ somethin’ when they did, if you know what I mean.

They done made it up from 2 real words: homo – a Latin word meaning human being.  And phobia, from the Greek word phobos which means it scares the livin’ manure outta ya.

Now somehow or t'other, them hippies decided their fake word should mean - hatin’ those folk we used call queer.  OK, queer ain’t the best word either, but least it’s a real word.  And if you think about it, it does kinda describe how them folks act compared to most.  Anyway, that homophobia word is about wrong as tits on a boar hog.  It sure ain’t about all human beings and it ain’t about being scared of something either.

Maybe, if'n they hadn’t been smokin' or snortin’ something, they woulda used some other words that had a real meaning.  Take the word homosexual: Greek:homos and Latin:sexus.  Now there’s a word that’s been around a good 100 years longer and means what is says – same sex.  So if ya want, you can make a phobia outta that one and call it homosexiphobia.  'Course that wouldn’t be right either, friend!  Cause I ain’t never heard of nobody that was actually scared of no homosexuals.

Reckon I don’t rightly know of a good word to make up that would mean the right thing.  Gotta admit that.  But I do know that mostly folks just realize homosexuals are different and don’t really want to hear ‘bout their private lives.  Folks also pretty much realize that homosexuals are more like the rest of us than different from us.  Each got talents and faults.  Folks sure as hell ain’t scared of ‘em.  But mostly folks are just tired of hearin’ how the majority of us should change our ways to suit somebody else.  I just don’t cotton to ‘minority rule.’  But then, what do I know, I am…
Justan O. Geezer

Lying Season

Well, the crops are ‘bout in, the leaves are turnin’ and the lying season is almost over.  And I ain’t talking ‘bout lying under the apple tree watchin’ clouds.  I’m talkin’ lying as in politicians lying.  Only 13 more days o' listenin' to political bullshit!

It’s amazin’ how them politicians can take any fact and twist it so much that nobody can recognize it.  Take Jeremy Schwartz, who’s runnin’ for City Council.  He's been runnin’ this here radio ad on KMOO.   Now I don’t reckon I’ve heard the voice before (some actor I guess) but part of the commercial says, “Do you really want a bank vice-president running Mayberry? Elect me, Jeremy Schwartz. I’ll be an honest voice for all the people, not just the rich.”

OK, I’ll skip over the obvious bullshit. Truth be told, he’s talking about Clyde Hammond, who manages the local branch of the Springfield Farmer’s Bank and Trust.  Now any fool knows that banks don’t got managers.  Instead, they give ‘em the high flauntin’ title of Vice-President.  Clyde’s got 3 or 4 people workin’ for him – depending on whether you include his wife, who sometimes brings his lunch down and occasionally helps tidy-up the place.  There’s one full-time Teller and a Secretary/part-time Teller/Cleaning Lady/Greeter and the “Vice-President” himself.  Yep, Clyde is so rich he drives a gray ’01 Taurus.

Now, what Jeremy ain’t sayin’ is that he is a lawyer who’s got 2 offices.  One down on Main and another up in Springfield.  About a year ago, he bought the Wyler place when it got foreclosed.  It happens to be just within the north boundaries of town.  Yep, Jeremy’s an official Mayberry resident and eligible to run fer office. 

Them’s the facts friend.  Guess who I’m gonna vote for.  I may not know much, but I certainly am…

Justan O. Geezer

Hunting Season

Well folks, it's gittin' close to huntin' season round these parts.  An' ya don't need no calendar to tell you!  All ya gotta do is take a gander at Jesse's place as ya drive into town.


Yessir, ever year 'bout this time, Jesse rounds the herd up down by the barn.  Then he takes them in one at a time and spray-paints "N A D" on their flanks. Bright red.  Does it every year since some city-slicker shot up his prize bull.  It stands for "Not A Deer."


Sure hope them city fellas can all read.  Reckon so... it's worked so far.
Justan O. Geezer

White people can’t say nigger

Reckon that title makes me a racist, but I got somethin’ else to talk about first. There’s been a heap o’ noise lately about this Dr. Laura Schlessinger and her radio show. Didn’t know who she was till this flap. So I ain’t no fan of hers. And I do think she kind of went off the deep end there, if you know what I mean. But… if you read the whole conversation (at http://mediamatters.org/blog/201008120045), maybe she did have a point to make.

Why is it that some folks can use certain words in their everyday conversations, while other folks ain’t supposed to use the same words at all? Why is it Americans of Negro decent use the word nigger all the time, but if Americans who are white use it, they are labeled as racists? Heck, they could even be arrested and charged with a “hate crime.” So why is the word nigger banned, but other defamatory words like whitey, honky ‘n a bunch of other words ain’t banned? Is that equality?

Let’s face the ugly truth here folks: Everybody, black, white or green, has got prejudices. Like, I especially hate politicians tellin’ me bald-faced lies (and thinkin’ they’re getting’ away with it.). But I don’t hate folks just cause their skin looks different from mine. I’d pick cotton ‘long side any man (or woman). ...Though I’d probably get pretty riled up with some young whippersnapper who ain’t pickin’ his share.

That doctor lady done a damn poor job of it, but I do believe the point she was trying to make, was more akin to a saying my pappy used to have, “Weeds need hoed no matter what they look like.” If we’re supposed to be equal, how come we got different rules for different folks? We gotta get rid of all the weeds.

Oh yeah, I used that word that Dr. Laura and her black female caller used, so now I’m a racist. That got me to thinking ‘bout another thing that happened not long ago. This here fella, LeBron James (one hell of a basketball player) decided not to stay with his old team, the Cavaliers. The team owner, Dan Gilbert, threw a conniption over LeBron's “lack of loyalty to the fans.” Now even Ernie down at the Casey’s knows that Gilbert’s fit was really about losing his main draw at the gate. Now that poor millionaire will have to depend on income from his casinos. OK, but to continue this soap orpy, in steps the Rev. Jesse Jackson who made a statement saying Gilbert was “treating James like a runaway slave.” Nobody nailed Jackson to the cross for that one. Reckon only white folks can be racist.

But you know what? I really don’t give a plugged nickel, ‘cause I’m plumb tired of being called names myself. They don’t think I can hear ‘em, but I do. I ain’t deef yet. I hear ‘em call me an old hick. I am fed up to here with it. The next time one of them city folks calls me a hick, I’m going straight up there to the TV station and raise hell about the way I’m getting’ treated. I’m gonna demand I get respect, even if I am Justan O. Geezer.

The "news"

Seems I been hearing a bunch lately about how newspapers are dying out.  They say TV and the Internet are killing them.  Well friends, if TV is to blame, we're deep in horse feathers.  Better watch careful neighbor, cause if newspapers disappear, folks will never get real news.

Sure as the day is long, the news don't come from TV.  Them TV folks haven't “reported the news” since Huntley and Brinkley retired.  Now days all the TV news is telling sensationalistic stories, doing self-promotion and running commercials.  If ya listen real close, they even admit they're a bunch of story tellers.  How many times have you heard: "Here's Sam with the story on that horrendous fire downtown."(Everything is in superlatives.)

Then, just before every commercial break, they have to tell you what they are going to tell you.   The anchor/actor always says something like, “When we come back, we have the story about that runaway train in Springfield.” (By the way Slick, you can put money on that pony being the last story they’ll do.)  

Next, the weatherguy (or girl) is required to ask some dumb question like, “Will the rain continue into tomorrow? Coming up, we’ll tell you.”  Then, the sportscaster has to shout, “So how about them Gophers! Coming up in sports, we’ll have the scores of last night’s game!”  Nop, they sure ain’t reportin’ news, but they gotta fill up the time with something. Naturally, them teasers are followed by a full 3 minutes of 15 second commercials – with at least 2 commercials repeated.  Well friend, if you call that news, you ain’t the sharpest sickle in the shed.

Folks using the Internet for news might have a point.  The Internet does have a whole slew of news “sites.”  Of course you gotta watch for the ones that don't report all the news, just their version of the news.  Too bad there ain't no sheriff checkin’ to see who’s telling the truth on the internet!  Besides, you’d have a hard time haulin’ your computer into the “library,” if you know what I mean.

Reckon I’m glad we still got the Mayberry Post around these parts.  It only comes out once a week, but as their motto says, it’s “Everything You NEED to Know.”  Besides, the old papers come in handy for things like wrapping up stuff when you gotta store it away to make room for new stuff... or as emergency outhouse supplies.


Well, that's what I think, but I am...
Justan O. Geezer

A letter from Kathleen Sebelius

Real nice day out there.  Good for a leisurely walk up to the road to get the mail.  Got the usual ads for cable TV and such.  But I also got a letter from Kathleen Sebelius.  You know, that gal from Kansas that moved on up to Washington.  She's runnin' the Department of Health and Human Services now.


Well sir, it was a real nice letter.  4 pages long, in fact.  Nice glossy paper and all.  Sebelius said she was goin' to explain about that new national health care law that Congress passed.  Yep, reckon that needs some explaining.  'Course, you can't explain a law that was way over 2000 pages long in just 4 pages, so it was a little short on facts, if you know what I mean.  She done a lot of explaining, but she never did get 'round to some of my questions.  Maybe I'll just write her a letter.


She explained how this thing is gonna get paid for by "reducing fraud and waste."  That there is a good idea.  But I got a question, neighbor - Aren't them the same people that been running Medicare for the last 45 years?  Why ain't they fixed it before?   Don't think I can swallow that whopper.


There's other things I don't quite understand.  Like that "donut hole" thing.  A few years back Congress went and created that thing.  Wouldn't ya think it would be real easy for them to undo it?  Now this new law will "begin" to fix it.  'Course that's gonna take 10 years.  Why?


Another thing Congress did a while back was to create these "Medicare Advantage" Plans.  They was supposed to be better than regular ol' Medicare.  Congress even saw fit to give them insurance companies an extra $1000 a person just for all them extras.  Now the government says the 77% of seniors who did NOT sign up for those plans are paying way more than they're fair share.  So who messed it up in the first place?  Wasn't nobody 'round here, but you know what's gonna happen, right?


The President made a stink about folks "being denied coverage due to pre-existing conditions."  Well, I'm with him on that one, friend.  But how come it won't happen for FOUR YEARS?  Sure gives them insurance companies time to raise rates and come up with some other excuses to not pay-up.  A right easy way would be for them to "no longer offer that coverage."  Then folks would get to sign up for the government's (not really socialized medicine) plan.


As far as that goes, why is it there's a bunch of stuff that won't happen for 4 years?  Is that so nobody figures it out until after the next election?  Heck. There I go askin' all them questions again.  But what did you expect?  I am...
Justan O. Geezer


PS.  Sorry to rain on your parade Kathy.  Reckon you needed a longer letter.

Enrico Caruso was a Vulcan

Used to be there was always something that needed tendin’ around the spread. But in the evening, after all the chores got done, I’d kick back and watch a little TV.  There was one show I liked a lot. That was Star-Trek.  It starred William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy.  Shatner was skinny back then. ‘Course most of us were.  You folks probably don’t know it, but that Shatner fella was a comedian before he got that spaceship.  And the show was pretty funny sometimes.  Partly ‘cause of bad acting and partly from them weird situations Captain Kirk and his Vulcan sidekick got into.


I hear tell they made up a lot of that stuff as they went along.  Like the Vulcan saying of “live long and prosper” and that split-finger greeting thing.  Yep, they just done it on the fly.  Reckon I always thought that Vulcan woulda made a good honest corporation honcho.


Now, years later I find out Vulcans are real!  And they been here among us a long time!  Got proof, too!  You see, the other day I was getting’ stuff together to sell at the Annual Mayberry Community Garage Sale.  Thought I’d see if anybody might want some of my old record albums.  For you young'uns, that’s how we listened to music before iPods and CD’s and cassette tapes.  Yessir, they’re even older than 8-track tapes.


Anyway, I found this one album of opry music. Yea, yea, I know.  What the hell am I doin’ with opera music?  Well, Junior, it just so happens I like opera music.  An’ if you don’t like it, you can just go clean the barn.  Sure’s a lot better than that “cRap” stuff! 


So, I found this album called Opera’s Greatest Moments.  It even has a booklet that tells ya ‘bout each recording.  It’s got pictures of the singers, too.  And that’s where I discovered the truth about Caruso.  This here picture is the famous tenor, Enrico Caruso.  It was taken somewhere ‘round 1920.  Don’t rightly know who took the picture, but he done good.  And it absolutely proves that Vulcans have been around here a long time!

So there you have it.  Caruso was really a Vulcan.  Reckon that’s why he sang so good.  Glad I found that out.  Gotta go now.  Getting’ dark.  Time to set on the porch an watch the sky.
Justan O. Geezer

Losing Records

It was time to get my ears lowered the other day, so I headed in to Perry’s Barber Pole.  While I was waiting for ol' Harry to finish the fella he had in the chair, I picked up a copy of the Springfield Observer.  The Observer does a pretty good job of lettin' us know what goes on up there in the county seat.  Reckon somebody forgot it.  Heck, it was only a couple weeks old.  Still in pretty good shape.  There in the sports section was an article about how we lost another record to some foreigner. Our national pride sure has been takin' a lickin’ lately.

We used to be pretty good at dang’nabed everything we done. Down there on Daytona Beach we used to have the fastest straight-line cars in the world.  An’ if you liked see 'em go in circles, them fellas over in Indianapolis got goin’ pretty good.  Always wondered how they kept from gettin' dizzy.  We had the best baseball and football teams anywhere.  We learned enough about hockey to go out 'n beat the Russians.  Some ol’ boys even started racin’ around on their lawnmowers!  Doin' 80 miles an hour, at that.  Don’t reckon you can get a good cut goin’ that fast, but it sounds like fun for someone half my age.

But I'll tell ya neighbor, somewhere we lost our edge. We’re losing records to foreigners pretty regular nowdays. Some of them started showin’ up at Bonneville and stole our thunder.  Over there in Indianapolis, we got foreigners drivin’ rice-burners to the flag.  And now, or all things, some Limey over there in England got out on a beach and drove his lawnmower at over 86 MPH!  Where’s it gonna end?

I think more of our young’uns need ta learn how to hop-up engines an’ such... instead of settin’ on their behinds, “tweeting.” That’s what I think, but then I am…

Justan O. Geezer

What's in your...

A while back, I was settin’ there on my throne.  Just kinda looking around the room.  Bored, if you know what I mean.  I spotted this bottle of hand lotion up by the sink.  The kind of bottle that’s got one of them mash-down pump things of top.  Well, I had nothin’ better to do, so I decided to read the label.

On the front near the bottom, it said "Fragrance Free" in purdy green letters.  Naturally, I had to take a sniff, just to check it out.  Sure got me a surprise!  It smelled like one of them “musk oil” perfumes.  Hotdamn!  That company was lyin’ to me!

Right quick, I flipped that bottle 'round and took a gander at the ingredients.  Couldn’t believe it all the stuff it takes to make hand lotion.  There musta been 30 different things in that bottle.  Not only that, they was mostly big fancy words that’d take doctor or rocket scientist to understand.  But I gotta admit, never found the word fragrance or perfume or nothing like that.

 Well sir, that was a poser.  If there ain’t no perfumes in there, how come it still smelled like that?  Didn’t take me long to figure none of them ingredients words were in my Funk and Wagnalls.  So I took that bottle with me down to Miller Drug.  I asked Bernie what all that stuff was.  He looked at the bottle and said he’d look ‘em up when he got the time.  Said I should check back in a week or so.

Ol’ Bernie ain’t fast, but he’s a good Pharmacist.  Never heard of nobody in town getting sick or dying from him messin’ up a prescription.  And he was true to his word, too.  He wrote me out a list of all them ingredients and what they’re used for.  I still can’t believe what all was in there.  Sure is a bunch of stuff.   Well anyway, here’s the list folks.  It is one LONG list, but real interestin'.  (And don’t you worry none, even Bernie couldn’t pronounce some of ‘em.)

------------------------

- Dimethicone (active ingredient) - Used as a "skin protectant.”  Also used in making Silly Putty, tub and tile caulks, silicone grease and in the treatment of head lice.

- Urea (aka carbamide) - Waste product found in uric acid.  Also used in fertilizer, as a stabilizer in explosives,  a “flavor enhancer” in cigarettes and an alternative to rock salt.  

- White petrolatum (Petroleum jelly) – a “base” (Used because it is cheaper than glycerol)

- Potassium lactate - An almost clear liquid used to preserve leather book bindings and to adjust pH value in foods

- Stearic acid - A saturated fatty acid from animal or vegetable fats.  Also useful in making candles, fireworks, soap and plastics

- Helianthus annous seed oil - (really sunflower oil) Also used to produce biodiesel fuel

- Corn oil - Yep, cooking oil!

- Methylparaben - A popular, low cost food and cosmetic preservative

- DMDM hydantoin - A preservative.  Works by releasing formaldehyde into the product

- Titanium dioxide - Used to make white paint

- BHT (Butylated hydroxytoluene) - Antioxidant food additive or preserver.  Also used in jet fuel, rubber and embalming fluid

- Magnesium aluminum silicate - A natural clay that contains aluminum

- Stearamide AMP - Chemical that gives the hand cream an opaque, “pearlized” look

- Trolamine (Triethanolamine Salicylate) - An odorless analgesic

- Lactic acid (2-hydroxypropanoic acid) - Used as an antiodidant or to control pathogenic micro-organisms or as a pH adjusting ingredient

- Cetyl alcohol - An emollient and emulsifier made from petroleum or vegetable oil

- Glyceryl stearate - Emulsifier made from hardened vegetable oil and vegetable glycerin mixed with stearic acid

- Glycerin - A sugar alcohol that is used as an emollient (softener).

- Glycol stearate - A saturated fatty acid that comes from animal or vegetable fats

- Collagen amino acids - Collagen is the main protein in human connective tissue and consists of only amino acids

- Sodium stearoyl lactate - A mixture of lactic acid and stearic acid, which reacts with sodium hydroxide to make sodium salt

- Ethylene brassylate a thick, almost colorless liquid with a sweet musky odor – “provides a silky afterfeel to skin”

- Sodium PCA - A humectant (can absorb water from the air) used as a “moisturizer”

- Carboner - White powder used as a thickening agent

- Disodium EDTA - A chelating compound and “stabilizer” (prevents chemicals from interacting)

- Lecithin - A natural emulsifier/lubricant made from soya or sunflower seeds. It helps in mixing dissimilar liquids and to keep liquids from separating

---------------------------

Yep, they called it “fragrance free,” but with that Ethyene brassy-stuff in it, sounds more like it belongs in my tractor’s tank.  I threw it out.  Yep that’s what I done. But then , I am…

Justan O. Geezer

"Gay Marriage"

I was readin’ the Mayberry Post last night. Back on page 5 was an article ‘bout “gay marriage.” Yep, that put a crick in my neck. Was written by some lawyer fella. Says the whole problem is that good Christian folks, been doin' a lot of “mixing of religion with civil law.” Now ain’t that somethin’! Reckon I don’t see how religion can “interfere with laws” as he says. Ain’t all them laws ‘bout doin’ what’s right? And didn’t laws start with ethics and moral codes that been around forever?


You know, I always thought them lawyers was educated pretty good. Reckon tain’t so, ‘cause this guy don’t even know where laws come from. Maybe that fancy law school of his never taught the history of laws. Ya know, like how the Roman’s Twelve Tables beat out Christianity by hundreds of years. Or how the Mosaic Law was around centuries 'fore that. 

When you set down and think a spell, the whole idea of morals and ethics and laws must go back to the cavemen. Wouldn’t ya think laws started ‘bout the time them cavemen decided that one caveman killin’ another caveman weren’t a real good idea? So I reckon it’s kinda unfair to blame the Catholics or the Baptists or whatever religion for morals-based laws. Come to think of it, ain’t our laws conjured up in Washington?


I really thought a lawyer woulda known that our Founding Fathers believed in some kind of a God. Guess he never bothered to read something writ by Washington, Madison or Jefferson. Maybe he missed the class that explained how they came up with that “separation of church and state.”  They wanted to make damn sure they didn’t end up with a state religion, like back there in England. They sure wasn’t trying to make everybody a Atheist. They just thought Americans should be free to worship - or not, as they pleased.


Oh yea, marriage. Wouldn’t ya think a lawyer would know that the idea of marriage and it’s rituals performed by tribal leaders, shaman, preachers and even captains at sea been goin’ on long before the government existed? Of course, somewhere along the line, governments took part of the authority to marry people. They set up these “non-sectarian” marriages. Then they created “marriage licenses” to officially record and track such things… and create them fees. Yet, they still gotta accept preacher marriages, right?


Well anyway, once you eliminate that blame game an' such, the real problem sure looks to be in the term “gay marriage.” Some city folks might argue the point, but most folks I know accept gays, at least in a co-existence sorta way. Folks know gays have always been around. And most folks understand that the gay community is subject to some discriminations. BUT, most folks also believe that marriage requires a guy and a gal. Tain’t no other way to reproduce and continue the species!  But now, just like other problems (some city-slickers like to call them “issues”) in this here country, a real loud minority keeps demanding that the majority of us redo everything just to suit them. So they want “gay marriage.” And like I said, them words is the real problem.


Don’t ya think a real simple solution might be to not use the words gay and marriage together? Why wouldn’t the words “civil union” do the trick? Heck, the politicians up there in the capitol already been usin’ the term! They already been changin’ laws so gays can get employer benefits, hospital visitation rights and such. All they gotta do is keep using them words.  Then nobody’d have to change all them books that already use the word marriage.


It don’t sound that hard to me. But then, I am…
Justan O. Geezer

The Census Races

No Clyde, there ain’t no winner.  But, maybe we should give ‘em an award of some kind anyways. Maybe we could give ‘em a sign.  You know, a sign like that Bill Engvall fella sang about a few years back.  Y’all remember, “Here’s Your Sign”? (If your a city-slicker, it was about people with signs that say, “I am stupid”)  Yep, they earned it. 

Oh yeah, reckon I forgot to tell ya who I’m talkin’ about.  It’s them folks over at the U.S. Census Bureau, that’s who.  They got one real sweet job up thar in Washington. They only do real work once every 10 years.  O’course once the countin’s done, they get 9 years to figure out what it all means.  I tell ya they’re gonna have hoedown with them numbers this time around.  Here’s what I mean - this here’s right off one of them Census Forms.

First off, if’n you habla español better than English, you ain’t in the Races.  But them folks are real interested in you, Juan.  Reckon I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but they sure are nosey ‘bout where you come from.

That second question really got me cornfused.  Ya see, way back when I was getting schooled, we was taught that all us human beings were divided up in 3 Races: Caucasoid, Mongoloid, and Negroid.  Of course somebody had to go and add Australoid to the list.  But that’s OK.  You can call it 4 Races if you want.  That still don’t come close to what them Census fellas come up with.  Even after kickin’ off ma shoes, I still couldn’t count ‘em all!  Maybe they was afraid of bein’ called a racist or something if they didn’t include every ethnicity on the planet.  Wonder what they’d do with a Chicano from Fiji?  Just wonderin'.

Maybe they shoulda just put 2 choices on them forms: American and Other  (followed with a blank line so’s you could enter your green card number.)   Sure make it easier to count.  It’s one or ta'other.  And if it’s “Other” and a blank line, you ship ‘em out.  That’s what I think, but I am…

Justan O. Geezer

Arizona Immigration Law

Folks are loadin’ their shotguns after that Arizona SB1070 got signed into law. I tell ya Clem, Arizona got a problem there. Some folks are callin’ this an “anti-immigration” law. Wonder how many of them read the law itself. Looks more like an “anti-ILLEGAL-immigration” law to me. But, reckon I don’t give a hoot if that law is good or bad. I don’t live in Arizona, so to my mind it ain’t my problem. Got enough of my own.

Of course you know I got some thoughts on that situation, otherwise I wouldn’t be settin’ at this here computer. First off is them demonstrations. Most of ‘em are scheduled for May Day (that’s been the traditional day all them anarchists and socialists get together to put on political demonstrations). I hear tell they’re gonna demonstrate in 70 (or there about) cities. So just what do them cities got to do with Arizona anyway?

Yep, and bein’ the American way, a bunch of “non-profit” groups say they’re going conjure up lawsuits against the law. Jumpin’ on that hay wagon so far are The National Coalition Of Latino Clergy and Christian Leaders (based in Washington DC), The Mexican American Legal Defense and Educational Fund and the National Immigration Law Center (both in Los Angeles), and of course the ACLU (NYC,NY). You see any Arizona organizations in there Sis?

Some folks in Arizona seem to like the idea. That sheriff in Maricopa County thinks it’s a good tool. Especially since they got more than their share of illegals. The Feds estimate they got over half a million illegals in Arizona. Lots a pretty good crop seein’ as how there’s only 5 million legal residents in the state.

All in all, the folks in Arizona elected their government. By the way, did you know that 29% of Arizona legal voters are Latino? And that percentage goes up as you head south? Hell, Arizona (like Texas) used to be in Mexico – until we took it! Besides, the north end’s got that big ditch and a bunch of Indian reservations. Well, anyway, if the people of Arizona don’t like what’s goin’ on, seems like them same people oughta send their politicians packing. It ain’t the business of them folks from the other end of the country. That’s what I think, but I am…
Justan O. Geezer

Volcano delays

Them folks travelin’ around Europe sure had a mess.  Weren’t exactly what they planned.  First that Iceland volcano let go, then them fellas controllin’ the European airspace shut everything down.  Even worse, them big airlines decided not to feed ‘em or put ‘em up in some fancy hotel.  And why should they pay?  Wasn’t their volcano was it?  What a mess. 

Don’t it make ya wonder who was mindin’ the farm while they’re all out there gallivantin’?  Well, anyway, looks like folks are finally gettin’ where they’re goin’. 

‘Course now the real fun starts.  Everybody’s gonna have to find someone to blame so’s they can sue ‘em!  Reckon it don’t matter who’s to fault – so long as their barn’s full.  Now it’s about getting’ what they can.  Lots of folks are trying to blame it all on that Eurocontrol Agency.  They’re kinda like the FAA here at home.   They got some pretty deep pockets.   Wasn’t there some actor fella that once said, “Greed is good”?

 Guess I’m wonderin’ what woulda happened if they hadn’t shut everything down.  What if some of them airplanes had got damaged?  What woulda happened if even one of them flights had a problem?  How many emergency landin’s would there have been?  And Lord forbid, but what if even one plane woulda crashed?

Maybe I got too many questions.  Reckon that’s just me. After all I am…

Justan O. Geezer

"Foreign" oil

Everybody's hootin' and hollerin' about foreign oil and how much gas costs and all that.  And rightly so, I figure.  We need to stop puttin' our money in the pockets all them foreigners.  We got to use more of our own stuff (resources).  That's what I say.

Yea, so just what the heck is "our" oil?  Probably just me, but I think "our oil" means Americans workin' for American companies and drillin' on American soil for American oil!  Trouble is, we ain't doin' much of that.  And I don't see it gettin' no better either.

That oil rig explosion and fire in the Gulf of Mexico yesterday (4/20/10) says it alot.  It's American soil (or at least water) OK, but that's 'bout as far as it goes neighbor!

The company doin' the drillin' is BP Exploration and Production, Inc.  'Course ya know, that's British Petroleum, but they like to hide behind them initials.  And that big fancy rig they're usin' is operated by Transocean Ltd.  Yep, never heard of 'em either.  They say Transocean is the world's biggest offshore drilling contractor.  Guess the reason we never heard of them's 'cause there from Zug, Switzerland. Sounds like a nice little town... can almost hear the yodelin'.

So where was I?  Oh yeah.  I got some questions friend...

1. What are them foreigners doin' drillin' on American soil or water or whatever?

2. Who's let 'em do it?

3. Is Washington callin' that American oil or foreign oil?

4. Is that "foreign" oil gettin' sold here in the US of A, or is it like that Alaskan oil that's goin' somewhere else?

5. And lastly, where are the profits from that oil goin'?

I may be Justan O. Geezer, but ah'm an American taxpayer... and a voter.

Election Board Humor

Ya know, I still get visions of them Florida Election Board “Judges” holding up computer cards to a light, tryin’ to figure if they could see a “hanging chad.” (Whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.)  Somehow, that just seemed to epitomize them bureaucrats at the Board of Elections.  It probably ain’t fair to the lot of ‘em, but they sho’ nuff look like their windmill's lackin’ a few blades.  This here come direct from instructions of how to do one of them absentee ballots:

 

They may not be the brightest, but nobody ever accused ‘em of lacking a sense of humor. That’s the way I see it, but then, I am…

Justan O. Geezer

The "Brits" got something right.

OK, so they taxed the hell out of us. And we hated bein' taxed, so we split and made our own country. BUT maybe the Brits got this "election" thing right!

Today, April 6th, the British Prime Minister announced a General Election in 30 days. Yep, you heard that right Sonny, 30 DAYS - NOT 30 MONTHS! Ya hear that Washington?

So here I set, listnin' to 4 years of bullshit while our politicians worry about gettin' re-elected. And the only laws they seem to git done mean it's gonna be more taxes. Ain't that where this all started, Sis?

That's what I think, but I am...

Justan O. Geezer